Volume 8, No. 1

January 9, 2009

Dealing With Someone Else's Job Loss
by Beverly Ryle

Beverly Ryle

Judging from conversations I’m having these days with loved ones of those who have suddenly found themselves unemployed, or fear that they might be, there are a lot of people entering 2009 with concerns about another person’s employment status.

While we all recognize that it’s difficult being the one out there looking for work, we sometimes forget that it is also emotionally challenging for the spouse or the parent of that person.

You want very much to be supportive, to be wholeheartedly there for your husband, wife or child, but at the same time you are grappling with your own fears. Keeping your anxiety from overcoming the goal of providing support and encouragement to the work-seeker is a tricky business.

Perhaps the greatest service a family member can offer the person who is experiencing employment loss or stress is normalcy. Try not to let the heaviness of unemployment contaminate every interaction. Contain it.

Some years ago when my husband lost his job, I was as caring and kind as I knew how to be, but at the same time I was also doing hand-to-hand combat with all the things we worry about when our financial security is threatened.

What about after the severance ran out? Would we be able to get by on unemployment plus the income from my business, which was just then getting started? What about health insurance? Should we cancel our travel plans for the summer?

All of a sudden everything that came up, whether it was to drop Netflix or put off replacing the kitchen countertop, was about money. And anything having to do with money flipped my fear switch.

I began to observe that whenever the switch was on, the content of my conversations with my husband shifted. I became his problem solver, a fountain of helpful suggestions. There was nothing intrinsically wrong with this, except that because of my fear, these suggestions were offered with a prodding urgency. I needed him to take action so that I would feel better.

Yet by inflicting my help on him out of my need to feel in control, I was taking from him what he needed most, confidence in his own ability to get through this event. When I realized this, I started to take long walks to keep my fear in check. After that, I became much more genuinely supportive.

What If You’re the Parent?

There are, of course, many things I would do differently if I could go back and raise my children all over again, and I would start with allowing them to make their beds in their own way.

What I did was assign it as a chore, and, when they did it, even as I was praising them in my most cheerful mother voice, I would be making adjustments, tucking in the end of a sheet or fluffing a pillow. I was giving them verbal approval, but my actions were telling them they hadn’t done it right. This hurt both of us. It eroded their sense of competence and undermined the behavior I was trying to reinforce.

I try to keep this in mind whenever I get calls from parents who are watching with increasing trepidation their adult children try to manage their professional lives in these unprecedented times and want to offer them my services as a solution.

I remember the client in his early thirties who said to me at the beginning of our first session, “I would have done this years ago, but my mom wanted me to.”

What I say to parents is, it has to be their idea. No matter how certain you are that your child needs my help, it’s not going to work unless they want it too. I tell them I can only work with their son or daughter if they call me directly.

I recommend that they simply provide information about me as a resource in the same way they would for a friend or colleague. This means they can’t check up to see if they’ve followed through. In other words, they’re not allowed to “tuck in the sheets or fluff the pillow,” only express faith in their child’s own ability to decide what’s best.

Ways to be Helpful

Just listen. Naturally the first thing on the list is the most difficult. It’s very hard to sit quietly and really take in what’s being said when every other sentence sets off an alarm in you. Pretending you are a reporter whose job is to discover the facts can be very helpful when someone is sharing information that is emotionally charged. Take notes and focus on getting what is being said down on paper. It will keep you from writing a scary story line in your head.

Release time pressure. Allow time and space to grieve the loss. Accept that the ending of your loved one's job has propelled them into an internal transition that is non-linear and has no definite timeline. The expectation that after three, six or ten weeks, or some other benchmark, the person will be sailing along toward a new future is as unrealistic as thinking that housing prices will be back to 2008 levels by June 30th of this year. The search for work is a like a battle, and even the most heroic warriors have to regroup periodically.

Put support in place for yourself. Cultivate at least one person with whom you can share the what-if scenarios that keep you awake at night. This will make you less likely to project them onto the person in your life who is on the front lines of employment insecurity. Use these friends to cross-check your motives before you ask questions you already know the answer to (e.g. “Did you call about that ad in the paper?” ) or try to carry out a hidden agenda (e.g. making dinner plans with Joe and Mary because you know that the company Joe works for is hiring).

Express confidence. Celebrate small victories, particularly when they involve something that you know is difficult for the person out of work. After an interview trust that you will hear what’s important when the person is ready to share it. Avoid the third degree (“How did it go? Do you think you have a chance? What will you do if they turn you down?”). Instead ask questions which focus on the value of the experience as a step toward a successful outcome (“What did you feel good about ? What did you learn for next time?”).

Enjoy life. When I took those long walks to get myself grounded so I could better support my husband, I would not come back until I was pretty sure I could walk into the house and comfortably do regular life. Perhaps the greatest service a family member can offer the person who is experiencing employment loss or stress is normalcy. Try not to let the heaviness of unemployment contaminate every interaction. Contain it. If you are out to eat, drop the topic when the meal is served and talk about all the things you used to talk about before the job loss. Set up a regular time and place to discuss work-search or financial concerns and in between enjoy the respite of ordinary life.

Readers Write
Feedback on Last month's issue

Readers Write You rock!! This is a testament to the continual need to change perspective in adjusting to anticipated and unanticipated developments. I have chosen to view this time of tremendous upheaval as a time of tremendous opportunity. Truly, we are transitioning to new horizons that will offer new possibilities, many of which may not be self-evident yet. Thank you for your uplifting writing. I hope it adds value to those who may be spending too much time involved with the gloom and doom headlines that bombard us daily.

CEO, Communications & Training Business, Eastham, MA

I'm struck by your analogy to the Pilgrims. As a direct descendant of the folks on that ship, I've long wrestled with this aspect of my heritage. On one hand, I can't possibly be one of them, for I enjoy pleasure far too much. (They probably would have sent me back on that April day in 1621.) On the other, I've always been intrigued with the notions of legacy and personal responsibility they so devoutly lived. We're at a juncture now in our society, and in our personal lives as well, where, like the Pilgrims, we must face giving up the possibility of the "life we once knew." Embracing uncertainty (which, as we know, has always been there) is one of the costs of living authentically in this world, and although it's scary in some ways, it opens possibilities that the "life we once knew" could never offer. If it takes a recession to remind me that only I am responsible for how my life goes, then bring on the recession. I'm excited for the opportunity we have, individually and collectively, and as long I can devote my life and work to helping others make this shift, then I don't even want to think about retiring.

Bradford Glass, The Road Not Taken

Although we are in a recession and finances are tight, I did decide to retire because (although I am on Social Security income) I longed for the luxury to schedule my own time. The planning took an entire year, but I am now happily living a volunteer retirement lifestyle: volunteering for six months with organizations that offer free room and board in exchange for accumulated workplace services, and living at home with family and friends for six months. This allows time for want-to rather than must-do. Calculate, organize, plan, and, if necessary, as you say, refine and redesign when appropriate. Even on a budget, you can, like the Pilgrims, be creative. Smile. Fill your time with want-to, sit back and enjoy!

Barbara Traynor, Traveler

Center News

On New Year's Eve Beverly Ryle was interviewed by Mindy Todd on her radio program, "The Point" on WCAI-FM. You can listen to the interview here.

The Cape Cod Chronicle printed a glowing full-page review of Beverly's book, Ground of Your Own Choosing in their New Year's edition. You can read it here.

Beverly is delighted to be launching the 2009 WE CAN (Women's Empowerment through Cape Area Networking) series of workshops with a presentation on “Finding Work in the New Era.”

WE CAN offers a comprehensive safety net for women in transition on Cape Cod. Looking for work is never easy and in troubled economic times like these it can be daunting. Come learn how to conduct your work search in a more productive way and create a new kind of security in today's changing workplace.

The workshop will be held on Saturday, January 17th from 10 AM to 12 Noon in the Meeting Room at the Dennis Public Library, 5 Hall St, Dennisport, MA 02639 . Please either call WE CAN at 508-430-8111 or send an email or stop by their office on 537 Main Street, Suite 2H, Harwich Port MA for more information. Pre registration is required.

Beverly Ryle will present a program entitled, “New Strategies for Mid-Life and Pre-Retirement Career Transition” based on the core principles for her book, Ground of Your Own Choosing at St Peter’s Church in Weston, MA 320 Boston Post Rd, Weston, MA, on January 31, from 9:00 to 11:30.

Participants will learn why traditional approaches to looking for work can be so disappointing and how to bring their work search skills up-to-date and apply entrepreneurial strategies to managing their professional lives, including making important decisions about retirement.

The registration fee is $40 and includes the book, a $14.95 value. For more info: call St. Peter’s Church Office, 781.891.3200, or send an email. Snow date is February 7, 2009.

Community Development Partnership business clinic: on Wednesday, January 21, Beverly will be one of five business professionals available to meet with entrepreneurs to answer questions about their businesses. Beverly will focus on setting goals and offering techniques for prioritizing them.

Program Details
Wednesday, January 21st
8:00 AM - 12 Noon (by appointment only)
Harwich Community Center - Directions

To Register: Call Lisa at (508) 240-7873 x25 or send an email

PO Box 156, 40 Oak Leaf Rd
N. Eastham,MA 02651-0156
508.240.3532
www.SuccessOnYourOwnTerms.com

The Center for Career and Business Development specializes in teaching people how to manage their professional lives by providing customized counseling and educational programs which integrate conceptual thinking with practical training.

Our long-term relationships with clients, recognition by peers, and growing reputation as a community resource speak to the excellence of the services we provide and our commitment to making the world of work a better place for all.

Stick illustrations by Eloise Morley.

Find out more about Beverly’s new book,
Ground of Your Own Choosing

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For Email Marketing you can trust

The following email exchange took place back last October between a career coach and Beverly's husband, Michael:

Q: Here’s a (not really serious) question for you as the spouse of a career professional: What are the odds my husband will read Bev’s book? (And no need to answer!!!).

A: Actually, without knowing your husband I can’t really say. But since I assume that there is an underlying seriousness in your “not really serious” question, I will try to answer as seriously as I can. I doubt your husband will read Bev’s book unless he is ready to accept its message. The ideas in it can be a hard sell, but that is just as true for women as it is for men. I will point out, however, that if your marriage is anything like mine, it’s a lead pipe cinch he won’t read it if he thinks you want him to.